BROADWAY CONFIENTIAL - A TALE OF MYSTERY AND MAYHEM BY STANLEY SHEFF
RED CURTAIN CLOSED
SPOTLIGHT ON DICK BIGELOW - STAGE RIGHT
MUTED HORN PLAYS
DICK BIGELOW
Time and Town? Hollywood 1946.
Me? Just a regular Joe by the name
of Bigelow, Dick Bigelow, P.I. Life's
not easy for a private dick. Just
last Thursday I was beatin' my boats,
pounding my dogs, heading down to my
favorite hootch hut - Club Orpheus.
This joint was so sleazy it had more
crabs than the Virgin Islands, but I
didn't care 'cause I'm a sucker for
a dancing dame that knows how to
drag a sock. I go for the type who's
from the opposite end of the planet.
Dames that radiate danger. Like the
dynamite dish who was headlining
that night...
SPOT OFF - DICK BIGELOW EXITS - STAGE RIGHT
CURTAIN OPENS - LIGHTS DOWN
LIGHTS UP
The band is playing. Dancers are mid dance. Bigelow takes
a seat. The music ends. Dancers are seated. MAXWELL
DEMILLE, the Master of Ceremonies on the microphone.
SPOTLIGHT ON MAXWELL DEMILLE
MAXWELL DEMILLE
How about another big round of
applause for Ramon Raquello and his
Orchestra! Good evening ladies and
gentlemen, this is your master of
ceremonies Mr. Maxwell DeMille
welcoming you all to Club Orpheus,
located in the heart of Broadway,
here in beautiful sunny southern
California --- America's greatest
summer playground. And now it is my
honor to introduce our very own
beautiful canary of song, and oh
boy is she hoi toi toi, root, zute,
cute, and solid to boot... Miss
Gale Tempest!
GALE TEMPEST enters STAGE RIGHT.
LIGHTS LOW
SPOTLIGHT ON GALE TEMPEST
Gale sings her song.
LIGHTS UP FULL
MAXWELL DEMILLE
Gale Tempest!
Gale Tempest takes a bow.
SPOTLIGHT ON MAXWELL DEMILLE
She takes a seat with two female customers.
MAXWELL DEMILLE
And now it's time to turn up the
tempertature, so say you wolves, put
on those muzzles for the exotic Dita
Von Teese and her fan dance of
destiny!
DITA VON TEESE ENTERS STAGE RIGHT
SPOTLIGHT ON DITA VON TEESE
DITA VON TEESE performs her Fan Dance of Destiny.
MAXWELL DEMILLE
The alluring Dita Von Teese!
Dita Von Teese exits STAGE RIGHT.
SPOTLIGHT ON MAXWELL DEMILLE
MAXWELL DEMILLE
And now imagine if you will, a far
off land where everyone lives a life
of mystery and magic, and everything
is not as it appears. No, I'm not
speaking about our patrons here at
Club Orpheus, but a very special
citizen from the Kingdom of Mysteria,
a man of magic, please welcome the
Great Nedini...
MAXWELL DEMILLE EXITS STAGE RIGHT
THE GREAT NEDINI AND HEAD WAITER ENTER STAGE RIGHT
SPOTLIGHT ON THE GREAT NEDINI
THE GREAT NEDINI enters with the HEAD WAITER, who acts as an
assistant. Maxwell DeMille is seated at a table. Nedini
produces his beautiful blonde female assistant TRIXIE from
an empty box.
NEDINI
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, my
lovely assistant, Trixie, who just
yesterday has agreed to become Mrs.
Nedini!
For his next illusion, Nedini performs the "Straight Jacket
Escape." During Nedini's performance, Dita Von Teese enters,
and is seated at a table with Maxwell DeMille. For the final
trick, Nedini places Trixie in "Temple from Tibet", then plunges
several very sharp steel swords into the box. As the last
sword enters the box, Trixie lets out a blood chilling scream!
She exits the dollhouse with a large blood stain on her
gown, then drops to the floor - dead!
SPOTLIGHT OFF
Suddenly the TWO POLICEMEN burst in STAGE LEFT lead by CHIEF
OF DETECTIVES MURDOCK.
MURDOCK
Okay boys, cuff him!
The two policemen cuff then restrain Nedini. He immediately
escapes from the handcuffs. The two Policemen hold him
tightly.
MURDOCK
You're gonna fry for this Nedini. I've
been tailing you for weeks, waiting
for you to slip up. I knew you were
gonna marry your assistant Trixie,
but I also knew that you recently
took out a one hundred thousand dollar
life insurance policy on her. Looks
like your gonna get what's coming to
you now, and it ain't cashola.
NEDINI
Do I laugh now or wait till this
gets funny?
MURDOCK
Take him away boys...
NEDINI
Say, wait a minute fellas, I was
framed!
Dick Bigelow interrupts.
DICK BIGELOW
Not so fast flatfoot. Call off your
goons. Nedini's on the square.
Sure he stood to gain big bucks,
cabbage, gettis, lettuce, but he
didn't ice the skirt.
MURDOCK
Okay Gumshoe, I'm listening, but
make it snappy, there's an electric
chair waitin' and it's got Nedini's
name written on the reservation card.
DICK BIGELOW
At first I thought he might of been
your man, but then I used my peepers
to eye sweep the joint. Something
wasn't jake.
As Bigelow speaks, he moves to each "suspect". He eyes the
patrons, and each becomes nervous as Bigelow passes.
DICK BIGELOW
The killer is here alright, but it
ain't Magic Boy.
Bigelow approaches Ramon Raquello.
DICK BIGELOW
Perhaps Ramon Raquello, if that is
your real name, stood to gain a few
bucks, for in truth he's actually
Trixie's estranged first husband.
Bigelow walks to Dita Von Teese.
DICK BIGELOW
Or could it have been the beautiful
Dita Von Teese, also known as the
Black Tarantula, who's knocked off
five of her former lovers,
(Bigelow glances toward
the band. They squirm.)
But that's a different story. The
truth lies elsewhere.
BIGELOW removes a red scarf from "Temple of Tibet" and takes a
whiff.
DICK BIGELOW
I never knew murder could smell like
honeysuckle.
He walks to Gale Tempest and gives her the once over.
DICK BIGELOW
Sorry doll, but your taking the fall.
GALE TEMPEST
Sure I did it, and I would do it
again. I couldn't let Nedini marry
that floozy Trixie!
(she looks at Maxwell
DeMille)
Sorry Maxie. I only said I loved ya
so you would rig the trick to kill
the only thing standing in the way
of my true love... The Great Nedini.
MAXWELL DEMILLE
You double crossing dame! You told
me that once Nedini was fried for
the murder, it was gonna be you and
me on the honeymoon express.
Dita Von Teese, furious, slaps Maxwell DeMille then exits.
GALE TEMPEST
Did you really think I'd fall for
some dumb lug in a penguin suit like
you?
MAXWELL DEMILLE
I never want to see you again as
long as I live...
Maxwell DeMille tries to exit.
MURDOCK
Grab him, boys!
The two policemen release Nedini, then restrain Maxwell and
Gale.
DICK BIGELOW
Listen DeMille, Murder's not like
taking a trolly ride together where
you can get off at different stops.
You and the doll are stuck with each
other and you've got to ride all the
way to the end of the line and it's
a one-way trip and the last stop is
the cemetery.
Murdock and the two policemen exit with Maxwell DeMille and
Gale Tempest. Bigelow steps up to the microphone.
LIGHTS LOW
SPOTLIGHT ON DICK BIGELOW
MUTED HORN PLAYS
DICK BIGELOW
So that was it, all neatly wrapped
up and ready to go like a cheap
Chinese dinner. But for me it's
just another day in the life of a
private dick. A pointless and lonely
life, where ya feel like you're going
around in circles like a drunk with
one foot nailed to the floor. Of
course there are a few things in
this crazy mixed up town I could
count on... cheap booze, cheap
floozies, and a dance or two at the
Club Orpheus...
LIGHTS UP FULL
SPOTLIGHT ON DANCERS
FINALE DANCE NUMBER
CURTAIN CALL
CURTAIN CLOSE
THE END
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